Whether or not to tell your wife

From Susan's Place Transgender Wiki

A question often raised and discussed among transvestites is whether or not to tell one's wife about the predilection to cross-dress. If the answer to that question is yes then the next issue arises: how to go about the process of "coming out?" The pornography of transvestites often deals with the subject by developing a "wife" who either immediately falls in love with the "new girlfriend" or decides to turn the situation into a domination scenario. Neither situation is what normally occurs in real life, of course.

The revelation of cross-dressing within a committed relationship will introduce stress and that stress will ultimately destroy the relationship unless it's properly handled and released. The following generally applies to any member of the transgender community.

Counselors experienced in transvestism recommend various courses, but can be summarized by the following:

Wives should be told at the earliest opportunity, preferably before the marriage occurs. Keeping a secret will ultimately poison the relationship in other ways which may not immediately be apparent.
Involve a counselor or therapist immediately. The transvestite may, through prior study, know many of the answers to his wife's questions, but a counselor/therapist, as an objective third party, will have a better chance of being believed.
Full and honest communication is key. Discuss not only the cross-dressing, but most of all about other things as well. She will most likely feel threatened by the cross-dressing. In that case assurances must be given, sometimes repeatedly, that it should not be considered a threat to her or the relationship.
The spouse should not be pressured to see the transvestite dressed. Remember, she married a man and will most likely be disturbed by the sight of him dressed as a woman. Each person is different in how they will react to the revelation, and most will not want to deal with the actual sight of the cross-dressing. Seeing the clothing may not be a particular threat, however, in fact it may be good for her to see them to remove any thoughts of hers that there is something "strange" in your collection.
Clear boundaries must be established so the cross-dresser can remain in the relationship and still have opportunities to dress. Honesty is key, but at the same time it should guaranteed that she isn't forced into something with which she is not comfortable. For example, a room or other special area can be specified in which it is okay to keep clothes, make-up and such. Other agreements should be developed regarding specific times or occasions when and where cross dressing is acceptable. Definite agrements need to be firmly established as to where the transvestite can go while dressed. If the desire is to leave the house cross-dressed then where and when must be discussed and decided. It's generally not a good idea to have high expectations immediately after coming out. Don't expect too much too soon.
Decide early on whether the marriage should be maintained or ended. That is the principle decision. If the commitment is a priority, then the decisions and compromises that need to be made concerning cross-dressing become a bit easier. It is often easier to decide that keeping the marriage together is more important than insisting she go shopping with a crossdressed spouse, for example.
Should children be told? Probably not right away, perhaps never. The youngest children don't understand. Younger children, from about ages 7 to 12, often accept these things more readily than older ones, particularly teens, but if it's a sexual thing then they may not have a real frame of reference in which to understand it. Teens have too much to deal with in their lives without having to handle daddy's strange habits, especially since it's difficult for them in the best of circumstances to acknowledge their parent's sexuality. This is not to say that they should never be told, but the time should take into consideration what is happening in their lives as well.
Lines of communication should be kept open. Daily effort should be applied to this task. Set up specific and certain times with your wife where all the things that affect the marriage can be privately discussed. One strategy is to have a daily walk with your spouse during which communication can be reinforced. Most of the time these talks may not even involve talking about cross-dressing, and they needn't be required to. If the communication is open, other things become open as well.
Periodically returning to counseling, for a checkup, both as a couple and singly can be very beneficial. The times alone with the counselor allow each partner to air issues which are difficult to address with their mate. The counselor is also a good check on your boundaries to be sure they are realistic.
Keep the job and the cross-dressing separate, especially if you are not absolutely sure of the employer's reaction to cross-dressing. One person lost his job because he was found out even though he never crossdressed in public. It is important to maintain an income to support the family, and love has a difficult time surviving poverty.

It would be nice if all people in the world accepted transvestites and never even cast more than a passing look their way. Being more realistic, however, one must recognize that it is possible to lose a job (legally or otherwise) or at least go through a great deal of difficult time when transvestism is exposed. It may not be worth it, despite any altruistic motives you or others around you may have to come out and admit to this part of the psyche.

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Cross-dressing

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