Sample Letters

From Susan's Place Transgender Wiki

These are copies of letters used by members of Susan's and have been kindly donated for others to use.

By the time this is read aloud, I know you will have already heard an explanation of gender dysphoria. Even though this situation affects one in 12,000 males, for most of you, it is likely you have never known anyone in this situation. As with many other conditions, the degree to which it affects each individual varies from case to case. For me, it became a driving, inner force. Unfortunately, it is not something like a cardiac arrest or the flu which you might easily relate to or at least understand. The closest I can come to helping you is with the following analogy:

If as a very young child you went to Disney World, you would undoubtedly have run into Mickey Mouse walking down the street. To you, Mickey was real. You related to him and treated him as what you perceived: a male mouse. You expected behavior consistent with what you saw. As for Mickey’s behavior, “he” has to conform to a set of rules that meet with those expectations, even if at time he feels otherwise. He must preserve the expected image enforced by others at almost all costs. He would be punished for acting in any way that you would not consider “normal”. This is true for each of us as children growing up except the expectation of acting “normal” based upon our physical being is imposed by everyone in our social environment. Now, as a child meeting Mickey, what you could not know is that inside that “shell” might have been a 25 year old female. The difference between that actress playing Mickey and me is that “she” gets to take off her outer male shell every night. For 55 years, I have not.

While most likely this does not help you understand, perhaps it can help you appreciate my situation and the decision I have made. What individuals such as I fear most isn’t the need in some ways to begin over but a lack of support. It is this that makes it very difficult to come before a large group at this time. I have known many of you for some time. What I ask you to understand is that in most ways, I am the same individual you have come to know, and hopefully respect. I possess the same intelligence and skill as in the past, the same attitude of teamwork on the streets, and the same ethical map that you have come to know. In short, I have only begun to remove a shell, just like Mickey.

Unfortunately, this process is not as simple as waking up one morning with everything neatly in place to go forward. Nor is it something one can keep out of sight as changes occur, something that is most difficult as one must continue to function in the presence of “onlookers”. Lest you think this is an easy path, consider that it is one that places stress on ones emotional boundaries and involves an immense amount of physical pain. I can assure you that no one chooses this path lightly. In addition, you will notice there are times when, due to medical needs, I will be away for periods of time. I ask for your indulgence.

For those of you that can accept this, I appreciate your support. I will need it. As a group, I thank you all in advance and will probably do so individually many times over. I am sensitive to the fact that seeing me with a new face, hearing a different voice, and addressing me by a different name will take some time to get used to. Some changes will occur slowly over time. Others you may see after I have been away for a while. I am very willing to answer almost any question you may have.

For those that find this difficult or something to take lightly, I expect you will have the ability to maintain your professionalism and to keep your opinions private.

[edit] Letter 2 - to Grandmother

This method of informing you isn't my first choice but I'm still limited in my mobility (Some day I might get my rump in gear and get a car and all that but I'm not going to hold my breath, lol), and besides, it will allow you to reread this a time or two should you please.

OK, first and foremost I love you bunches (an that should never be in doubt!)

So before I get to that really important information that might cause you to faint I need to tell you that over the years there has been an absolute daft amount of incorrect information and just in general terms change with time, so here are a few of the terms I shall shortly be using.

Regarding what is termed "Gender identity disorder" or GID.

From: http://wiki.susans.org/index.php/Gender_identity_disorder

Gender identity disorder as identified by psychologists and medical
doctors is a condition where a person who has been assigned one gender
(usually at birth on the basis of their sex, but compare inter-sexual)
but identifies as belonging to another gender, or does not conform with
the gender role their respective society prescribes to them.

This feeling usually is reported as "having always been there",
although in many cases it seems to appear in adolescence or even in
adulthood, and has been reported by some as intensifying over time.
Since many cultures strongly disapprove of cross-gender behavior, it
often results in significant problems, for example a severe identity
crisis.  Also, social problems are likely to occur if a society does
not accept cross-gender behavior. In many cases discomfort is also
reported as stemming from feeling like ones body is "wrong" or meant
to be different.

Note that Gender identity disorder is often abbreviated GID.

Note, that gender identity has NOTHING to do with sexual identity, nor sexual preference.

From: http://wiki.susans.org/index.php/The_Closet

Coming out of the closet (often shortened to "coming out") describes
voluntarily making public ones sexual behaviors or orientation, or
gender identity, "being out" to not concealing ones sexual behaviors
or orientation or gender identity, and "outing" for making public the
sexual behaviors or orientation or gender identity of another person
who would prefer to keep this information secret.

Note, in this particular instance gender identity is the what this is about.

From: http://wiki.susans.org/index.php/Transsexual

A transsexual (sometimes transsexual) person establishes a permanent
identity with the opposite gender to their assigned (usually at birth)
sex.
Transsexual men and women make or desire to make a transition from
their birth sex to that of the opposite sex, with some type of medical
alteration (gender reassignment therapy) to their body. The
stereotypical explanation is of a "woman trapped in a man's body" or
vice versa, although many in the transsexual community reject this
formulation. For the exact wording of formal medical definitions, see
gender identity disorder.

Now, given the short definitions just listed I'm guessing you can already tell what I'm on about, so without further distraction here is the point:

My therapist said I should tell as few people about this as necessary. <list of reliant people who know>... and now so do you.

This is functionally my "coming out" to you. As I mentioned above I'd prefer slightly different conditions but as mentioned above, this might be handy to reference regarding the terms or the URLs above. So, anyway, this is about my gender identity, and in particular that I suffer form GID. I qualify as a 'transsexual', which is to say the only "male" thing about me is my body and my name. So, what does that mean exactly? Well, it means I've spent a lot of my time previously doing my best to pretend to be what I am not. Namely I'm not a guy and inadvertently in trying to be one I caused myself a great deal of internal suffering. I can say with authority that it hurts A LOT to deny who you are. Thankfully now that I've figured things out better and I've stopped hiding who I am and JUST as importantly that I am actively doing my best to align my body(etc.) to who I really am, I am quite a lot happier and healthier as a person. Actually that is an understatement. Life is MASSIVELY better now than it was before... I actually have hope in a future now rather than just passing time till I am dead. So anyway, life is a lot better for me now. (and there is still quite a lot left to do which should make things even better!). I fully plan (I would not have started this if I was unwilling to finish this) to "get a sex change" (not that that is a very accurate term).

I am not in the least ashamed of who I am. I was born with a very insidious birth defect (GID), one that I've just recently come to grips with. Ironically GID is one of the few (if not only?) defects that the person is criticized and ostracized for trying to cure... go figure.

However, that is the one-sidedness of it. What is better for me is at a high price to those I love. Make no mistake I love you dearly... (I mean after all, you're my granny! ) I can but guess your reaction as I know well that it is not possible to tell how a person will react until the bridge has been burnt and the person knows. So given that I'm a little slow in telling you because quite frankly it would hurt one hell of a lot. ... I've just set fire to that bridge.

There is more to cover but basically it is just details. (name, exact plans, et cetera ad nauseam.)

This is a lot to absorb I realize and I realize it will take time to come to grips with this... for this I am sorry. But know that I am here for any questions, and please feel free to talk to mom and dad about this if you would like. As I mentioned above, I'm not in the least bit ashamed of who I am. This is simply something I must do. I must be true to myself. I can only hope those I love will understand in time.

I would love to hear from you soon ... as ... well, I'm terrified of being disowned. But whatever the case, I respect your decisions and am here for any questions.

p.s. You didn't comment on my earrings yesterday!

Anyway that's that all so important sounding email I mentioned yesterday. I am sorry it's taken this long to tell you, and I am sorry to put you in this predicament in the first place.

With warm regards and kind wishes... and a great big HUG!
Love ya Granny

[edit] Letter 3 - SO (Mother) to daughter

T***i, I wanted to send you an email to try to explain some things. I know you have told me on the phone that you don't wish to hear any of it, and I can understand that. But I would just like the opportunity to try. This way, if you don't want to read this, you can just delete it now, or if you just don't want to talk to me, then you can read this and hopefully begin to understand.

I have suffered from clinical depression since I was a teenager and have been on and off medication for it over the years. I have a suicide attempt under my belt (17 years ago) and my thoughts run in that direction when life seems too overwhelming. A person with my thought processes and low self esteem getting together with a person like your dad is a volatile mix. I know that you have been a witness to things I have put up with, but there is no way to fully understand the effect his abuse had on me unless in my shoes. I don't know if you remember your 4th grade year as far as home life goes, but I was nearly absent from it due to depression. All I had the energy to do was to get up in the morning, go to work and I would come home and immediately go to bed. I slept all the time. I was medicated at that time and your father and I went to counseling after I had one of my complete "melt downs". This was the fourth occasion in the course of our marriage that we had been in marriage counseling. Each time, hearing the same thing...basically...why did your dad do to me things he did? We would go for a few sessions and then when things were looking like they could be easily swept under the carpet, we'd stop going and the old habits crept back. According to any of the Marriage text books, there wasn't a single need that a wife has that was being met by your father. Your father's needs were being met (maybe not all of them, but at least some), he made sure of it. At that point 5 years ago, there was a marked change in my feelings toward you father. I had mentally left the marriage. That was my defense mechanism to be able to deal with him.

When M***y came along, I felt as though I had found my soul mate. I can't remember how much of her life I shared with you in the beginning, but she lived life as a male for a few years and was actually going through the process of a sex change, when she decided to live life as she thought she "ought" to be and she had M***h, then M*****n, married J.D., etc and you know the rest of that. Pretty much her whole life she has felt like a man trapped in a woman's body. She is not the only person like this, there is a great deal of people in what is called "gender identity crisis" and they are referred to as transsexuals. Society, and people close to you, like to lump them into the "gay" community, but nothing could be farther from the truth. If they were gay people, they would be comfortable as they are having a relationship with a same sex partner. She has lived a tormented life because of this and can't pretend to be something she is not. The process has started again and so far she has legally changed her name to M***o. In a few months, she will legally be recognized as a male. I know people in the family look at me as "crazy" for thinking "M**y is a man", but I really feel that I understand her/him. I know your dad thinks he has it all figured out, but the things he says are far from the truth. I know your dad thinks he knows what it is that should make me happy, and I know that Aunt C***l thinks she knows where my happiness lies, but they don't. I have found happiness with M***o. I have never felt before about anyone as I do about M***o. We do love each other very much. And soon enough, society will view us as a normal, heterosexual couple. When you find a love like this, you don't let it go.

Now...about my recent hospitalization. As I mentioned earlier, I have a tendency toward suicidal thoughts. Dealing with this divorce, tyring to hide my relationship and life in general was getting far to overwhelming for me. There were several events that took place on Friday that just sent me into a suicidal tailspin. M***o recognized this and would not allow me to leave his side for the entire weekend, then I had to promise that I would check myself into Kaiser right after work that day. There I was able to get the help I need (and medication) to start making clear decisions and moving forward with life.

T***i, I miss you incredibly. I miss our talks and how close we once were. I know this whole thing has been really unconventional and downright strange. But hopefully, in time, we can rebuild what we had. I want to be your mom, I just can't do that with your father anymore. When I am around him, I completely shut down. I love you and J******h very much, and I will always be your mom, whether you want to recognize me as that or not. I respect that you are not o.k. with this, but I just ask you to open your heart and try to understand my situation. I'm trying to give you space to absorb this because I know that you are mad at me right now. Please let me know if you want me to call you, or if there is a time I can see you. I am a phone call away.

I love you very much,

Mom

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[edit] Letter 4 - to an old friend in Texas

Hi there!

How have you been doing? Sorry I haven't been in touch for a while, things have been a little complicated here, and there is something I really need to tell you. I've decided to put it in this letter, as the telephone for some reason just doesn't seem right. I don't even know if you still use this email address, but I guess I'll find out.

You may find my news surprising, perhaps even shocking. If you're around other people, you may want to wait until you have some privacy to read the rest of this.

Okay, don't say I didn't warn you. Damn, this is hard. Just remember that despite what I'm about to tell you, I'm the same person you've always known, for better or for worse. As long as I can remember, I've felt that I was different, that I wasn't like all the other guys. They seemed like an entirely different species. I was supposed to be like them, however, so I went along and pretended.

As I started to get big and tall and clumsy, I couldn't understand why this was happening to me. I was supposed to be smaller, softer. And I was expected to act a certain way, to like certain things, and if I didn't meet those expectations, I was made to feel like there was something wrong with me. I was even punished for it. Pretty soon, I got even better at playing the role that was expected of me, though it tore me up inside to do so. It just seemed all wrong.

By the time I reached puberty, I had figured out what the basic problem was. Somehow, in the great cosmic order of things, someone had screwed up. I was supposed to be a girl, but I had turned out to be a boy. This pissed me off no end, it just wasn't fair. Every morning I would get up and look in the mirror, hoping the big mistake had magically been corrected during the night. It never happened.

You can imagine my despair as I watched myself becoming more masculine, my face changing, my whole bone structure getting bigger. Facial hair! At least I never had any body hair to speak of, that would have driven me over the edge.

As much as I hated what was happening, there was nothing I could do about it. I would just have to make the most of being a guy, and keep my real gender a secret. I remember the time my mother found some clothes in my room, I just clammed up completely. By that time I knew that acting and dressing the way I wanted would lead to my being called a fag and a queer, the worst things a guy could be called in those days.

So life went on. You know what I was doing on the outside, finishing school, going to work, getting married. What you didn't know was what was going on on the inside. Every relationship was a sham. While I really was close (and sometimes in love), I was never able to open up completely to anyone. I remember my wife S____ saying once, "I don't feel like I really know you, and I don't think I ever will". That has been the story of my life, always taking a step back, never getting really close. When such a major force in your life is a secret, you can't really open up.

Well, you can only live that way for so long before you start to go a little crazy. I remember one time a few years ago I didn't even open the door to my apartment for a week. Looking back on it now, I can see that it was depression. At the time I just felt like I had no reason to do anything. And every time I looked in the mirror, I saw this rotten bastard that had stolen my life.

Finally, about a year ago, I realized that if I kept on the way I was going, I would die. That would be preferable to the life I was leading. I had been at my current job for a few months, and I was getting to the point of calling in sick and just staying home. It had taken me forever to find a job, and I knew that if I screwed this one up, I could very easily end up on the streets. I had to do something.

I had known for a long time about transsexuals and sex-change surgery and all that, and by chance (or was it?) I met and talked to a couple online. It began to dawn on me that it was actually possible for me to change. I began researching the issue, meeting and talking to people, finding out about the surgical procedures, hormone therapy, what was possible and what wasn't. I threw myself into it in the single-minded way that I'm known for, and within a few more months, I had a plan.

I began experimenting with wigs and makeup. I bought clothes. I lost 40 pounds. And in September, I began seeing a therapist who specializes in transgender issues. After three months of counseling, she gave her approval for me to begin HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). It's funny, normally, HRT is used to replace missing hormones in menopausal women; with transsexuals, however, the word "replacement" means replacing Testosterone with Estrogen and Progesterone!

It's amazing the effect they have. I began on December XX; after just a bit over 4 months, my breasts are growing, my hips are widening, my waistline is decreasing, and my skin is softening. And my whole outlook has changed. I don't know if it's the hormones, or just the fact that I'm (finally!) taking positive action, but for the first time in a long time, there is hope. I wake up anxious to start the day. I smile all the time!

Two weeks ago I had my second session of laser hair removal on my face. In a few months, all the hated facial hair should be gone. I'm re-training my voice; this is without a doubt the hardest part of the whole process. I still see my therapist, though it's down to once a month now rather than once a week. She also runs a support group that I go to every other weekend. I've met a lot of wonderful people, all of whom are anxious to pass on tips and experiences and everything else they've learned. It really is a community.

I haven't had SRS (Sexual Reassignment Surgery), and to be perfectly honest, I don't know if I ever will. It's very expensive, and like everything else related to transsexuality, insurance doesn't cover it. There are enough other expenses that I'm dealing with that SRS is out of the question, at least for the foreseeable future. I'm basically living full time as a woman, except for work. Employment and housing discrimination against transgendered people is perfectly legal in Florida (and most other states). I can't afford to lose my job and insurance, so I'm hiding it from my employers as long as I possibly can, and looking for someplace that I can work as a woman. I need to work fast; at the rate the hormones are changing me, I won't be able to hide it much longer.

I know that at this point, you have an image of C______, looking exactly the way he did when you saw him last, wearing a dress and walking into a job interview! Believe me, it's not as bad as you think; my appearance really has changed to an amazing extent. I haven't put any pictures of me in this email, because I know that this whole thing is a lot to deal with and you may not be quite ready to see me yet. When you are, you can go to this web address: http://www.___________________.com/pages.html

There are links there to my website, my blog, and my Yahoo pictures page and profile. I hope the sight of me isn't too jarring. My name, by the way, is Ann. Ann Elizabeth S______, or Annie. Annie S*****l is the name I made up for my Yahoo ID.

I apologize for dumping all this on you without warning, and I apologize for keeping it from you all these years. I'm sure you have a million questions. Feel free to ask anything; I have no secrets now. I've tried to anticipate some of your questions, and I'll list the answers below. Anything else, email me or call. By the way, I'm using this email address pretty rarely now; use annie@___________________.com instead.

I hope you can accept all this; I know it's hard to get your head around the idea. Just remember what I said at the beginning of this overly-long saga. I'm still me, though a better and happier version.

Thanks for listening...

Annie/C______

Some Questions and Answers:

Is this a secret??

Not any more, unless my email is seriously screwed up! Seriously, no it's not a secret. My ex and my son both know, and are wonderfully accepting and supportive. Just about everyone else knows now, or will within the next few days (as I pass the word around). The only people I'm still hiding it from are my employers.

What's the deal with your name?

A few years ago, I was researching our family history and came across someone I didn't know existed: a little girl named Annie S______, the daughter of my father's grandparents. She was born September XX, 1878, and died April XX, 1880 (I was struck how many children died before their second birthday in those times; so much for the "good old days"). The thought of her dying young on the prairies of North Texas stuck in my mind. Anyway, when I needed a female name, she came immediately to mind. The "Elizabeth" is simply a way to make my middle initial E., so that I will be Ann E., or Annie. I prefer to be called Annie by my friends. By the way, some of the names I thought about but ultimately rejected were Fantasia L'Amour, Amanda B. Reckondwit, Anita Drink, and Ivana Nuparashus.

What if I call you the wrong name?

This is really hard. If you forget and use my former name and the male pronoun (and I'm sure it will happen), I will understand, although it would be a great compliment if you tried to call me by my real name and used female pronouns. You know that I'm not touchy, and I have a sense of humor; I realize that this is prime comedy material!

So, is this a sex issue?

Because the word transsexual has the word "sex" in it, people often think it's mostly about sex. While that's sometimes part of it, transsexuals are usually more interested in getting their bodies to match their feelings. Gender identity and sexual orientation are separate traits, although most people don't think about them as separate. There are straight transsexuals and gay transsexuals, etc. To be perfectly honest, my sex life is basically non-existent at this point. And no, I'm still not attracted to men.

So, this is a gender issue?

Yes. There are many kinds of transgendered people, and among them are transsexuals. transgendered is a general term for cross-dressers, transvestites, transsexuals, female and male impersonators, drag queens/kings, intersexuals, gender dysphorics, and those for whom other gender labels do not fit. I usually tell people I'm a male-to-female transsexual to be specific, and that I'm part of the transgendered community, which encompasses all of us.

How did you get this way?

The truth is nobody knows, although theories abound. Most current research points to a biological component. The most common theory involves hormones in the womb affecting fetal brain development. But again, no one knows for sure.

By the way, be careful if you do a Google search for the word "Transsexual". Most of the hits you get will be porn sites!

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