A Guide to Coming out to Friends

From Susan's Place Transgender Wiki

Like coming out to your parents and other family members, coming out to your friends as gender-variant can be a terrifying and often unpredictable experience. Reactions can range from violent rejection to instant acceptance, as some friends feel hurt and betrayed that "you're not the person they thought you were", even though you yourself know you have not changed at all. Others may tell you they are proud of you for being unafraid to be yourself, and indeed may even feel gratified that you have trusted them enough to come out to them. In the face of these possible reactions, it is important to consider if coming out to your friends is a priority for you, and if it is, which friends should you tell first, as some friends will inevitably be more accepting than others.

[edit] Reasons for coming out

When deciding if you should come out, there are a number of questions that you should take into consideration before acting upon your desire for your friends to know about you.

Why do I want to come out?

Why do you want to tell your friends? Is it to have someone to discuss things with? Is it to find someone to give you more support? Is it because you can't hide what you're experiencing anymore, or feel like your friends just ought to know?

While there are no right or wrong answers to these questions (though coming out "because you want this year's April Fools' Day to be a good one" is probably not the best), it is important to think about your motives, and take into account exactly why you want to be open with your friends. (Remember, coming out can be a good idea, but once you're out, it's very hard to go back in).

What am I hoping to achieve by coming out?

Somewhat related to "Why do I want to come out?" is the question of what you are hoping to achieve by coming out to your friends. More support? An understanding of something you've all been joking about for a while? (For example, female-to-male transsexuals and their friends may joke about them being a lesbian, and, upon discovering that they are transsexual, the FTM individual may wish to tell their friends to clarify things). Is it to ensure moral support for when you tell your parents?

Again, there are no correct or incorrect answers, but figuring out what you are hoping to achieve can help set goals for the future, and help you decide how best to come out to your friends.

Is it safe to come out?

Again, there are a number of questions that you should think about seriously before deciding if coming out to friends is a good idea for you:

"Are they homo/transphobic?" (Remember that while homophobia is of homosexuals, prejudice against one group can often be carried over into others, and so many homophobes will also be transphobic as well). "Are they violent?" "Am I dependent on them in some way?" (For example, do you live together?).

If your decision to come out is going to put your life, financial, or any other living situation in danger, it may not be safe to come out. Do not come out unless you feel safe doing so.

[edit] Choosing who to come out to first

As with most matters concerning coming out and gender-variance, there are few definitively right or wrong answers or ways of doing things. As a general guideline, however, the friends to come out to first are usually those with whom you are close and whom you know to be of a more accepting nature, as these friends are most likely to be accepting and supportive, and, put simply, the more supportive friends you have whom you can trust, the better. (Your closest friend may not be the best person to come out to first if they are violently transphobic). Once you have a reliable, loving support-base, you can then extend to friends whose reactions you're less certain of.

[edit] Common methods for coming out

Given the nature of people's relationships and the various modes of communication available, there are many different ways to come out to your friends. Some of the most common methods include:

Personally (face-to-face)

Telephone call

Written letter

Email/PM

Text message/SMS

Consider your situation carefully before deciding on which method/s to choose, as each has its own advantages and draw-backs. Doing it in person or on the telephone ensures a captive audience and immediate response (and therefore no anxious waiting), but coming out through an email, SMS or written letter means people can react however they like before replying, and so in some respects can be less awkward.

[edit] What will happen if I do come out?

The most important thing to remember if you come out to a friend is that that friend will know. If you are uncomfortable knowing that your secret is shared with someone and that you cannot then remove that knowledge from them, then coming out may not be the best idea for you.

If you are prepared to share your gender identity with people, then you need to consider people's reactions, which are as variable as the people themselves.

Possible reactions include, but are in no way limited to:

violent rejection (e.g. beatings)

resigned rejection ("the silent treatment")

disappointment

sadness

anger

disbelief ("but you never acted like a boy/girl before")

conditional support (accepting of some of the facts but not others)

slow but guaranteed support and acceptance (e.g. it may take time for them to "come 'round")

immediate acceptance

"Why didn't you come out earlier? I've known for ages!".

Consider what you are about to tell them, and the type of person they are. Imagine their possible reactions. If they are prone to homo/transphobia and/or are typically violent or short-tempered, seriously consider how urgently you need to come out to them. However, even if your friend is the most loving person you know, still consider their different possible reactions, and what you can do if they react a certain way. If they reject me, what can I do? What do I say if they become angry? How do I tell them what their outright and immediate acceptance means to me?

Have a crystal-clear understanding of what you are telling them, and of what you want them to understand about you, so that you are able to answer any questions they may have. Be prepared to answer questions, and allow them to ask questions. They may have none, but they may have hundreds. Be patient, be calm, be prepared to stand up for yourself if they try to deny what you're telling them. Be prepared for rejection, but don't be scared of acceptance. Believe in yourself and what you're telling them.

It is important also to take into account the timing of your coming out, as this may have a significant impact on how your friends react to your news. A normally-accepting and loving friend may not react as you would hope or expect if, for example, you tell them that you are transsexual half an hour before their final medical exam, or the day after their aunt has died of cancer. Just as you would hope for their understanding and compassion, be understanding of their circumstances, too.

[edit] Hints for coming out

Coming out is very rarely stress-free, but there are a few ways to make it easier for you and your friend/s.

Location, location, location

If you've decided to come out to your friend/s face-to-face, or you're going to give them a letter to read while you're there, do it somewhere where everyone is comfortable and can relax. Over a coffee at a favourite café or in your local botanic gardens, for instance, would probably be better than on top of a vertigo-inducing bridge. It's a stressful enough process without needing the extra worries of unknown and unpredictable environments, so go somewhere where you can relax and be yourselves.

Humour

While there's a time and a place for outright slap-stick comedy, being deadly serious can also be unhelpful. Adding the occasional hint of irony can help to lighten the mood a little, particularly if the friends you're coming out to are close.

For example (from an email):

Mum seems to be fine as long as she thinks I’m androgynous. I think she’s still having trouble with the whole “my daughter is a son” thing, not that I can blame her at all. Being bi or lesbian would have been far easier. Hey Mum, I like girls. Hey Mum, I like guys, and I am a guy. Hmmmm… : /

It doesn't have to be side-splittingly funny, just enough to momentarily relieve the overwhelming seriousness of the situation.

K.I.S.S.

Keep It Simple, Silly. The ideas you're going to be telling people about may be ideas they've never even thought of before, in which case they're quite probably going to get a bit confused about it all at some point, so why complicate matters with flowery, fancy jargon? Don't simplify it to the extent of not using general recognised terminology (for example, don't replace "gender" with "sex" just to try and make it easier for them), but don't use unnecessarily verbose explanations, either, otherwise they'll concentrate on how you're saying it, and not on what is being said.

[edit] Note

Please note that the information and advice provided herein are advice only, and cannot be said to be applicable to every person, relationship or situation.

[edit] See also

[edit] Discuss

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